Is Hope Shining Brightly Before Me?

That line in the Hymn We Thank Thee O God For a Prophet has always made me smile. There’s an old joke running around in church circles about an overly pregnant church chorister named Hope leading this song in sacrament meeting and the line “and we know that deliverance is nigh” made the entire congregation burst out laughing.

I have struggled writing a post about Hope.

I struggle with being too personal, trying to remember this is not exactly a private space and some of my thoughts should be recorded in my journal instead of here where any random Joe could read what I’m thinking. But then again, I don’t want to turn my blog into a Christmas letter where I portray everything as peachy and hunky dory, like we live in a world where there is only rainbows and sunsets and balloons, because… LIFE ISN’T LIKE THAT!

So here goes. I’ve decided to give a Reader’s Digest condensed version.

2012 was a stinky year. It was AWFUL! Nothing worked out the way we hoped, the way we wanted, or the way we dreamed it should. We felt like we were following our heart and had inspiration in all the decisions we made, and yet, every time we decided to move forward in something…

BAM!!!

We ran into a brick wall.

And I can tell you, that after that many disappointments and heartbreaks, a person starts protecting their feelings.

In my case, that lovely lady named HOPE, standing in front of the congregation singing about deliverance, walked to the back door and left.

Yep. Hope was gone and absent from my life. She left and didn’t leave a forwarding address or phone number.

Anytime someone would mention the future or a dream or a plan, I might agree with it outwardly, but deep down I’d scoff. I stopped believing that anything good would happen. I stopped planning for the future.

For me, a naturally optimistic person, that’s huge.

Then one day in Relief Society, the president gave a lesson about The Abundant Life. (What is an “Abundant Life?” The answer is in John 10:10 The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.”)

She asked me to participate in the lesson by reading several quotes. I believe this woman was inspired. I believe that I needed to read those quotes out loud, because I needed to pay attention in class that day. (I’m known to zone out frequently in class.) This woman was also inspired the next day to drop by my house and catch me at one of my lowest points. When she saw my eyes and nose swollen from hours of crying, she ran home and brought me back a copy of the lesson, so I could have it to refer back to.

As I have continued to attend church and try to pay attention more in my classes and really listen, I have learned more about faith. I have learned that without Hope you cannot have faith (Moroni 10:20). I have learned that Heavenly Father really does love me and my family and even though things are really hard, we can get through them.

And Hope has started maneuvering her way back into my life. She’s coming slowly…. like molasses slow … but I realized today, for the first time in months that I look forward to the future and I could actually see something working in our favor!

As I read the Relief Society lesson left to me by that caring president, different quotes affect me differently at different times. But the quotes that stand out the most are about attitude:

“Jesus’ teachings help us to have a correct view of life and our circumstances. Sometimes the solution is not to change our circumstances, but to change our attitude about that circumstance and its difficulties so that we see more clearly our opportunities for more [abundance]” – Spencer W. Kimball

“So much in life depends on our attitude. The way we choose to see things and respond to others makes all the difference. To do the best we can and then to choose to be happy about our circumstances, whatever they may be, can bring peace and contentment.” – President Thomas S. Monson

Have things finally worked out for me and my family? No they  haven’t. But today we think we may have found an answer to long asked for prayer. Do I have hope that this is the solution to our problem? Hmmmm…. that’s an interesting question. I want to have hope. I want to believe that things will improve for us. I want that light at the end of the tunnel to be shining brightly, offering deliverance, but I still have to proceed with caution. Hope is knocking at the door.

(One more quote sent to me by my dear sister who has been a rock for me through this year.)

“In this sad world of ours sorrow comes to all and it often comes with bitter agony. Perfect relief is not possible except with time. You cannot now believe that you will ever feel better. But this is not true. You are sure to be happy again. Knowing this, and truly believe it will make you less miserable now. I have had enough experience to make this statement.” – Abraham Lincoln

Disclaimer: I don’t claim to own all the stock in suffering. I know and understand that there are people out in the world whose problems are far worse than mine. I haven’t lost a child, my marriage is strong, my family is healthy. Thankfully, I never lost the ability to recognize the blessings I do have, and I have many. I began keeping a gratitude journal several months ago to help remind me of these facts.