Cancer, A Leper & Mumps. Oh My!

What do you do when you wake up and you find large lumps on your neck,
in your glands under your ear?

Do you immediately start planning your funeral,
because
LUMPS + NECK =
Almost certain death by a highly incurable form of aggressive cancer?

And after you get past the shock of your impending doom, you look in the mirror
and gasp when you see

LARGE BUMPS GROWING ON YOUR FACE
THAT YOU THOUGHT WERE ZITS WHEN YOU WENT TO BED LAST NIGHT,
BUT IN THE LIGHT OF THE MORNING, YOU REALIZE THEY
HAVE GROWN EXPONENTIALLY
AND IN NO WAY RESEMBLE A PIMPLE ANY MORE.

Well, of course, you start packing your bags.
You know you’re being sent to the Isle of Lepers.
Never to return.

So, you sit down and put your face in your hand
overwhelmed by your looming demise,
when you pick up the phone to call your mommy.

After describing your symptoms, she calms you down.
Of course it’s not cancer.
Those are GLANDS not LYMPH NODES!

Whew!

She has no explanation for the mountains on your face,
but she has an explanation for the swollen glands.

MUMPS

“But Mom, didn’t you immunize me when I was a kid?”

“I don’t know! Maybe I did? I wasn’t immunized. I’ve never had them.
But I think you ought to go to the doctor.”

“I’m waaaay ahead of you, Mom. My appointment is tomorrow.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok. My week wasn’t really as dramatic as all that.
But I was quite concerned as I’ve watched my neck and face grow and swell.

And the pain?

Holy Hell.
(Sorry. Heck just doesn’t cut it.)

The whole right side of my face and neck is throbbing and pulsing.
And tingling.

So I went to the doctor.
He took a look at me and started asking questions.
As I answered, I watched his face.
I watched the concern growing.
I watched confusion deepening.
I heard him say,
”I’m not gonna lie. I’m very worried about you.
No. It’s not cancer.
No. It’s not leprosy.
No. It’s not the mumps.
No. You’re not dying.
I really don’t know what it is.”

He kept pushing and prodding.
He had me bite down on a tongue depressor
and apologized when I yelled out in pain.

He told me that I have a
HORRIBLE INFECTION in the gland that lies under your ear.
The Parotid Gland to be exact.

His diagnosis:
Parotitis
But he doesn’t sound totally convinced as he says it.

He prescribes the strongest antibiotic he can think of.
I have to make a follow-up appointment for day after tomorrow.
If it’s not better, I have to have an emergency appointment with an
Ear/Nose/Throat doctor.

Here’s the kicker.
I actually feel ok.
Except the right side of my face.
The rest of me is doing great!
I don’t have a fever (go figure!)
I’m not contagious.
I have no restrictions on my activities.

Here’s the freaky part:
(this could get gross)
There are times I can actually feel the infection moving under my skin.

HOLY COW!!

And the mountains on my face tingle and itch.
It’s like they have a life of their own.
Sometimes I think this could happen
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XU1MAokrrUk

He said I could take
”Vitamin I” (ibuprofen)
for the pain, which does help.
In the meantime, I’m taking my antibiotics as prescribed.
And praying.
This will get better.
I will be able to travel to Flatlandia to visit Flynn this weekend.
My face will un-swell.
And the mountains will become flat and leave the
Valley of Betty.

And all of this will happen magically
TONIGHT
while I sleep!

Here you go!
(self-portrait from my iPhone. It’s the best I could do.)
The mountain by my mouth is obviously the largest.
The one on my upper cheek is still growing.
And I’ve got a new one on my temple

Can you see the lump under my jaw?
Not to be confused with my waddle.
My cheek at the back of my face is also swollen.
You can’t see my ear area which also is enlarged.
Yes, even my EAR is swollen.
SAY WHAT?!?!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P.S. I promise I’m ok. I just have never had anything like this happen before. The doctor said is rare but not unheard of. I know I’ll be okay. And live to tell another dramatic story.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I’m going to make a long post even longer, but I’d like to end on a funny note.
Scooter asked me today how I was feeling.
(He’s a considerate boy.)
And I said,
”Well, I’m not going to die.”

This is his response:

”Mom,
We’re all dying.
Every day we wake up,
we’re one day closer to death.”

I can’t make this stuff up. He really said that.